My Random Story

It all started when our (former porn) star, Titty, woke up in a bush. It was the third time it had happened. Feeling really concerned, Titty slapped a dangerous oil-soaked rag, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Before anyone could take off their pants, he realized that his beloved Titty's ma was missing! Immediately he called his bed-friend, Vanilla Rapist. Titty had known Vanilla Rapist for (plus or minus) 550,000 years, the majority of which were curious ones. Vanilla Rapist was unique. He was congenial though sometimes a little... abrasive. Titty called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Vanilla Rapist picked up to a very nervous Titty. Vanilla Rapist calmly assured him that most legless puppies turn red before mating, yet South American hissing sloths usually indiscriminately cringe *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Titty. Why was Vanilla Rapist trying to distract Titty? Because he had snuck out from Titty's with the Titty's ma only six days prior. It was a electric little Titty's ma... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Titty got back to the subject at hand: his Titty's ma. Vanilla Rapist belched. Relunctantly, Vanilla Rapist invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Titty's ma. Titty grabbed his elephant and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Vanilla Rapist realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Titty's ma and he had to do it skillfully. He figured that if Titty took the spaceship, he had take at least seven minutes before Titty would get there. But if he took the rape cape? Then Vanilla Rapist would be abnormally screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Vanilla Rapist was interrupted by eleven funny-smelling polar bears that were lured by his Titty's ma. Vanilla Rapist turned red; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling exasperated, he recklessly reached for his ripened avocado and deftly stroked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the secret vineyard, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the rape cape rolling up. It was Titty.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at The Salvation Army to pick up a 12-pack of ripened avocados, so he knew he was running late. With a heroic leap, Titty was out of the rape cape and went earnestly jaunting toward Vanilla Rapist's front door. Meanwhile inside, Vanilla Rapist was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Titty's ma into a box of wolverines and then slid the box behind his George Foreman grill. Vanilla Rapist was concerned but at least the Titty's ma was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Vanilla Rapist sassily purred. With a skillful push, Titty opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some selfish self-righteous ass in a spaceship,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Vanilla Rapist assured him. Titty took a seat frighteningly close to where Vanilla Rapist had hidden the Titty's ma. Vanilla Rapist shuddered trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Titty was distracted. A few freaknasty minutes later, Vanilla Rapist noticed a abrasive look on Titty's face. Titty slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Vanilla Rapist felt a stabbing pain in his taint when Titty asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Titty's ma right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A funny-smelling look started to form on Titty's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's wolverines from when she used to have pet venomous koalas. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Titty nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Vanilla Rapist could react, Titty recklessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The Titty's ma was plainly in view.
Titty stared at Vanilla Rapist for what what must've been two seconds. Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, Vanilla Rapist groped earnestly in Titty's direction, clearly desperate. Titty grabbed the Titty's ma and bolted for the door. It was locked. Vanilla Rapist let out a enticing chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Titty,' he rebuked. Vanilla Rapist always had been a little stupid, so Titty knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Vanilla Rapist did something crazy, like... start chucking gerbils at him or something. Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, he gripped his Titty's ma tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Vanilla Rapist looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Titty. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame ten days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Titty. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Vanilla Rapist walked over to the window and looked down. Titty was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Titty was struggling to make his way through the imaginery desert behind Vanilla Rapist's place. Titty had severely hurt his double chin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral polar bears suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Titty's ma. One by one they latched on to Titty. Already weakened from his injury, Titty yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of polar bears running off with his Titty's ma.
About five hours later, Titty awoke, his fingernail throbbing. It was dark and Titty did not know where he was. Deep in the muddy swamp, Titty was very lost. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, he remembered that his Titty's ma was taken by the polar bears. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a big polar bear emerged from the fanstic pumpkin patch. It was the alpha polar bear. Titty opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the polar bear sunk its teeth into Titty's taint. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Titty's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than eleven miles away, Vanilla Rapist was entombed by anguish over the loss of the Titty's ma. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened live hand grenade. With a apt thrust, he buried it deeply into his double chin. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Titty... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the Titty's ma that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant polar bears, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(