My Random Story

It all started when our (former porn) star, Titty, woke up in a bush. It was the third time it had happened. Feeling really concerned, Titty slapped a dangerous oil-soaked rag, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Before anyone could take off their pants, he realized that his beloved Titty's ma was missing! Immediately he called his bed-friend, Vanilla Rapist. Titty had known Vanilla Rapist for (plus or minus) 550,000 years, the majority of which were curious ones. Vanilla Rapist was unique. He was congenial though sometimes a little... abrasive. Titty called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Vanilla Rapist picked up to a very nervous Titty. Vanilla Rapist calmly assured him that most legless puppies turn red before mating, yet South American hissing sloths usually indiscriminately cringe *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Titty. Why was Vanilla Rapist trying to distract Titty? Because he had snuck out from Titty's with the Titty's ma only six days prior. It was a electric little Titty's ma... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Titty got back to the subject at hand: his Titty's ma. Vanilla Rapist belched. Relunctantly, Vanilla Rapist invited him over, assuring him they'd find the Titty's ma. Titty grabbed his elephant and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Vanilla Rapist realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the Titty's ma and he had to do it skillfully. He figured that if Titty took the spaceship, he had take at least seven minutes before Titty would get there. But if he took the rape cape? Then Vanilla Rapist would be abnormally screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Vanilla Rapist was interrupted by eleven funny-smelling polar bears that were lured by his Titty's ma. Vanilla Rapist turned red; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling exasperated, he recklessly reached for his ripened avocado and deftly stroked every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the secret vineyard, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the rape cape rolling up. It was Titty.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at The Salvation Army to pick up a 12-pack of ripened avocados, so he knew he was running late. With a heroic leap, Titty was out of the rape cape and went earnestly jaunting toward Vanilla Rapist's front door. Meanwhile inside, Vanilla Rapist was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Titty's ma into a box of wolverines and then slid the box behind his George Foreman grill. Vanilla Rapist was concerned but at least the Titty's ma was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Vanilla Rapist sassily purred. With a skillful push, Titty opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some selfish self-righteous ass in a spaceship,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Vanilla Rapist assured him. Titty took a seat frighteningly close to where Vanilla Rapist had hidden the Titty's ma. Vanilla Rapist shuddered trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Titty was distracted. A few freaknasty minutes later, Vanilla Rapist noticed a abrasive look on Titty's face. Titty slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Vanilla Rapist felt a stabbing pain in his taint when Titty asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the Titty's ma right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A funny-smelling look started to form on Titty's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's wolverines from when she used to have pet venomous koalas. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Titty nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Vanilla Rapist could react, Titty recklessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The Titty's ma was plainly in view.
Titty stared at Vanilla Rapist for what what must've been two seconds. Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, Vanilla Rapist groped earnestly in Titty's direction, clearly desperate. Titty grabbed the Titty's ma and bolted for the door. It was locked. Vanilla Rapist let out a enticing chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Titty,' he rebuked. Vanilla Rapist always had been a little stupid, so Titty knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Vanilla Rapist did something crazy, like... start chucking gerbils at him or something. Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, he gripped his Titty's ma tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Vanilla Rapist looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Titty. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame ten days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Titty. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Vanilla Rapist walked over to the window and looked down. Titty was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Titty was struggling to make his way through the imaginery desert behind Vanilla Rapist's place. Titty had severely hurt his double chin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral polar bears suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Titty's ma. One by one they latched on to Titty. Already weakened from his injury, Titty yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of polar bears running off with his Titty's ma.
About five hours later, Titty awoke, his fingernail throbbing. It was dark and Titty did not know where he was. Deep in the muddy swamp, Titty was very lost. Heart filled with earnest fortitude, he remembered that his Titty's ma was taken by the polar bears. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a big polar bear emerged from the fanstic pumpkin patch. It was the alpha polar bear. Titty opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the polar bear sunk its teeth into Titty's taint. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Titty's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than eleven miles away, Vanilla Rapist was entombed by anguish over the loss of the Titty's ma. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened live hand grenade. With a apt thrust, he buried it deeply into his double chin. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Titty... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the Titty's ma that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant polar bears, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(

Gears Of War (PC)

I originally played GOW on the XBox 360 and I fucking loved it!! And when I heard that it was being made a PC game I thought I'd buy it just to play it again... sadly I couldn't afford it so I played it on a friend's computer. Again I loved it, but slightly less this time for two reasons:
1). Due to the dodgy keyboard controls, difficult parts in the 360 version were more difficult in the PC version
2). I finished the game already and knew what was coming.

Besides that, this is a near-perfect game. Why only "near-perfect"? The same reason why the 360 version was: when you kill an enemy, even a fucking berserker, they are suddenly the weight of a photograph of Paris Hilton and can be kicked around the area like a football. This pulled me out of the body of Marcus Fenix and I found myself back at my friend's house.

To describe it in one word I'd say "superfuckingawesome".

****

Silent Hill: Origins

I know it's old news, but I have to say that this game is relentlessly shitty!!!!!!!

I liked Silent Hill up to now when a rediculously bad game was shat out in front of me. Just so you know, I never actually played the game, I saw a gameplay video on YouTube and that was enough to see how shitty it was. If this is a prequel to the 1st SH then I'm very fucking surprised because I'm sure that the stupidly slow monsters that sound like old men when you belt them one would have stayed there for the rest of the games. Weapons are pure horseshit as the guns are for some reason completely silent and melee weapons break way too fucking easily. There is none of the famous static on the radio to tell you about a monster nearby, and instead of the dodgy camera that made SH there is an over-the-shoulder view that makes it more like Resident Evil 4. It's actually very similar to RE4, but with one acception: RE4 was actually good!

Zombie Virus

I was in Heatons today when I noticed a PS2 game on one of the shelves, it was called Zombie Virus. I thought it would be great fun because of my weakness for zombie games. This made me lose that weakness. This is the shitty story:

You play a ginger medical student called Whogivesashit living in a supposed utopia. An earthquake hits Shit City and somehow turns people into zombies, exept you and your whore friend. You and Whore have to leave the safety of your hospital and rescue survivors, one at a time, in an ambulance and bring them back to the hospital. And, of course, kill the shit out of some zombies by running them over.

The fact that zombies only die by vehicle is because you can't get out of the fucking ambulance while outside. The only time you can walk is while in the zombie-free basement of the hospital, and although this is a change from driving everywhere, your charicter runs like a retard on acid.

Some other flaws include:
Appearance-Apparantly, this game was made in 2006, but it looks like it was made in 1800.
Gameplay-The controls in the game aren't that bad, but the ambulance goes around the place with a surprising lack of urgency, and the indicator on the ambulancecomes on when you turn a corner, WHY!?
The whole idea of the game-Tell me, how the fuck does an earthquake turn people into zombies?!

Overall, a terrible game that will make you completely lose hope for the future of the PS2, don't waste your money like I did.

*

Guitar Hero III: Legends Of Rock

To start off, I just have to say, don't let the name fool you. GHIII:LOR is actually the 4th game in the series, also, it's called Legends Of Rock, but the only legend of rock in it is Slash (Guns 'n' Roses/Velvet Revolver)! So, now that that's out of the way, let's get on with it.

GHIII is basically the same game as the rest of them, exept this time the fucking retards had enough sense to include a Metallica song this time around, I'd have thought that they would have done that years ago. Although it's essentially the same game, some changes have been made. The developers have included a co-op mode which is fun at first, but there's no faster way to fall out with your friends.

As for the songs there's some good stuff, some shitty stuff(but hasn't that always been the case) and some stuff I've never heard of. Also, some boss fights have been included. There are only three, Tom Morello, Slash and the Devil.

Overall, a great game that you should probably rent first to test it out because there is a chance you would rather watch Fraiser on a T.V. the size of a contact lens at the bottom of the sea using your own severed finger as a joint.

If you'd rather do that than play this, you are a non-existant creature of myth.

***

Halo 3

I realize that this is a bit late, but I only played it recently so here we go.

There are a few words to describe this game e.g. o.k., good etc., the list is endless.
It is a good game although it his its downsides, like the fact that the campaign is much too short. Not only that, the levels near the start are too hard for the average gamer with his/her brain turned to liquid. Also, the AI is pure shit. If you order a soldier to drive your vehicle, he rams it straight into a wall and stares at it expecting it to move.

That isn't to say that it is bad. Its multiplayer mode is fantastic! Most people don't give a flying shit about multiplayer, but screw them!

All in all it is an o.k. game that,even if the first few levels kick your ass, it keeps you interested 'till the end

***